In Tampa, Florida, land of the overly gesturing Cuban boat people, pasty, hardworking GOP delegates have sawed and sanded and crafted a beautiful piece of art. This is the proudest moment of my life. Mitt Romney and the Republican Party have incorporated my life’s work in the GOP Platform.
Among all the other astounding ideas, like returning to the Gold Standard, the “Zero Taxes For Mitt Romney” plank, and opposition to abortion – with the exception of consensual rape – (The Todd Akin Amendment), this will be something very special.
No, I’m not talking about the “Personhood for Women” plank. They threw that crazy thing out. Phew! Among language requiring employers nationwide to verify workers’ legal status, denying federal financing to universities that allow conniving and lazy illegal immigrant students to enroll at lower in-state tuition rates, and denying Federal funds to “Sanctuary Cities,” they inserted one glorious item.
It’s an immigration plank calling for tough border enforcement and opposing “any forms of amnesty” for illegal immigrants, and calling for “humane procedures to encourage illegal aliens to return home voluntarily.”
Read it and weep. I know I did. It is official. The GOP has adopted the policy of Self-Deportation, which I and my group, Hispanics For Wilson, created in 1994 to help California Governor Pete Wilson usher out all the pesky mojados.
It is the ultimate Republican immigration strategy. It is only natural for the Party of Self-Reliance to push Self-Deportation.
My idea is this: Make life miserable enough for illegal immigrants and they will leave on their own. You’re welcome.
Self-Deportation will not only help save money by passing the costs of patrolling the border to the illegals, but it will free up our already stretched law enforcement resources to focus on bigger Republican priorities, like what you sick people do in your bedrooms.
In addition, my group, Hispanics Against a Liberal Takeover, or HALTO, has called for the banning of all Mexican food, as it is a biological weapon, along with the banning of all Linda Rondstadt music, as it attracts too many Mexicans to the U.S . thanks to her garbled Spanish yodeling. A boy can dream.
Sure, there’s also lot of other good things in the Republican Party Platform, like calling for the construction of a wall along the U.S. Mexican Border. Wake up, gueros! I already called for that in 1996, it’s called “Borderwall Estates” a 2,000 mile long condominium complex on the border. That’s right, I demand that we privatize the border, and sell the land rights to my real estate company, Hispano Holdings. It’s the Romney way.
Regardless, the adoption of my ideas in the GOP Platform prove one thing: The Republican Party really cares about the Latino vote. Basically mine, because I will be the only Latino voting for Mitt Romney.
Now that you are done reading this, it’s time to Self-Deport!
Daniel D. Portado and Lalo Alcaraz created the phrase “self-deportation” as a joke in 1994 and wrote this piece as political satire on the GOP’s adoption of “self-deportation” as a platform policy.