As the leader of the JUAN PERCENT, I must respond to the week of debauchery and Hollywood Swingin’ known as the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, NC.
But first let me tell you what I think about the new pathetic yobs report that came out today. If this Democratic convention was the FIESTA, then this yobs report is the CRUDA! There is no bowl of menudo big enough to cure the mess that Barack Obama has failed to clean up after the frat boy party thrown by George W. Bush for eight years. Whoops, never mind that I mentioned what’s his face.
Even San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro’s Menudo Cook Off winning abuela could not boil enough pansa for Americans to stomach four more years of Marxist Socialist Communism Veganism. I have no facts to back that up, but GUATEVER. I don’t need facts, I AM A RICH DUDE.
As for the actual Democrap convention, here’s my review:
That convention esucked. THEY DIDNT HAVE ONE SINGLE CRAZY VIEJITO YELLING AT FURNITURE EXCEPT FOR JOE BIDEN.
Here’s my suggestion for your slogan. OBAMA 2012: HOPE THERE’S CHANGE! During Obama’s hilarious speech, BILL CLINTON was BACKSTAGE SAYING, WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR ESPEECH IN HALF?
It was bad enough when he was Back Reagan. Now he’s Black Lincoln too? Hijole.
Obama and his evil criminal Chicago Deep Dish style thugs offered nothing but name calling. I am NOT out of touch with the economic plight of you dirty pobres. All you have to do to start a business, or go to college is BORROW MONEY from your parents, they can just take it out of your massive trust fund. Duh.
And as for the pinche claims that I am some kind of newbie to diplomacy, let me say: I am NOT NEW to FOREIGN POLICY, I hire only SALVADORAN MAIDS. The Guatemalan maids always eat my food. And when I went to our number Juan ally’s filthy country, England, and I insulted all the snuggle toothed Brits, let me just say: THOSE DIRTY LIMEYS HAD IT COMING.
And with the Osama Bin Laden thing- WE GOT IT. He’s dead. I bet you the Navy Seals didn’t even shoot him in the face, I bet he just tripped on his turban and fell on some bullets real hard, and you are trying to take all the credit. Now Obama is GI JOE. I am Rafalca-slappin’ mad that in Obama’s espeech there was no SALUTE to THE BRAVE MISSIONARIES SERVING OVER IN FRANCE. Shameful.
And one more thing, I think it is an insult to Chivo farmers everywhere that the Democ-rats promote cow stomach over the fine dish that is goat birria. It is insulting and also HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS. I smell a Solyndra-type scandal brewing here. Con cebollita, and some flour tortillas. Yomi!
That’s it, I gotta go pick up my running mate Eddie Munster, and I will see you GUEYES on the CAMPAIGN TRAIL on my specially outfitted TRES ESTRELLAS bus. AJUA!
Note: Mexican Mitt is a twitter parody of presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s Mexican roots.