Dispatch from satirist and cartoonist Lalo Alcaraz and Maria Purisima, of Pocho.com:
Public health officials are concerned about contagious “Latinophilia” which has spread with breathtaking speed across America, and which mysteriously coincides with the shock from the massive Latino vote for re-elected President Barack Obama.
Could it be the much-anticipated zombie invasion many have been prepping for? The suspected virus has attacked Republican officials and pundits who once bashed Latinos and immigrants like a conga drum at a Ricky Ricardo show, and suddenly transformed them into lustful and loving Latinophiles. Stocks in sombrero makers have shot up since the virus went, uh, viral.
Symptoms include, drooling or salivating, severe flip-flopping on previous hardline political positions and speaking through both sides of ones mouth. (Scientists say this virus may be related to the Romnesia virus.)
Conservative TV and radio personality Sean Hannity proclaimed on his radio show that he has evolved, (more like revolved) on the issue. He said he didn’t think immigration reform was such a big deal, and that Republicans should work towards resolving this now not-so-thorny issue. Hannity said, “You create a pathway for those people that are here. You don’t say you’ve got to go home. And that is a position that I’ve evolved on.” Then a winged hog flew by the window.
Speaking of winged hogs, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the cartoonish embodiment of anti-Latino immigrant hatred in America, has stated he wants, “to get closer to Latinos.” Amazingly he claims to want to do this without a weapon, ball and chains or an un-snug pair of pink chonies. I suspect either a tough Arizona election (which is currently still ongoing!) or early onset Latinophilia.
Others affected include GOP Speaker of the House John Boehner, who is now openly sobbing his love for Latinos. Yes, you heard it right, John Boehner wants to get in your serape, and it’s not 2 am at the local barfly spot. He may promise to switch from drinking that classic, old white guy favorite drink, bourbon, to a newer stereotypical favorite, tequila. Also, Boehner will reportedly heighten his appeal to Latinos by changing his glowing spray-on tan color from “Orange” to “Orange Fanta.”
Health officials are concerned that the new Latino-love virus may spread to the rest of the nation, resulting in a rush on Maná CDs, maracacas and serapes for minor league hockey team unforms and Virgen de Guadalupe-looking anorexic underage teen girl models posing in t-shirts from American Apparel.
GOP officials are hopeful that there is a Latinophilia Baby Boom that will pay off for the 2014 midterm elections. All I can say is, use protection.
The most reaction we could get out of radio host Rush Limbaugh is that he probably still thinks Latinos are fatty, but delicious.